I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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