When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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