we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
