I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
