the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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