Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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