So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I am available for nakedness
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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