and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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