Ambien. No doubt about it.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
