I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
