Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
