I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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