The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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