why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Fuck appropriateness.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
