Already got asked if we're dating
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
