i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
