I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
