No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
