Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
