If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
