dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
