I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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