totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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