i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
