I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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