Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
