These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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