it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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