i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
