I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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