I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
