Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize