So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I could fuck to npr.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
