Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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