I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
