i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
