I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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