At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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