I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
