Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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