she woke up with a sticky ear
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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