did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
