HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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