U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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