I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
