i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
