come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
