Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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