If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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