Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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