Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
