Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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