Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
