he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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