You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
