Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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