i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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