You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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