Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
